jubilant of heart this morning

I think it’s because I was able to spend time being quiet, alone before the Lord, wrestling with things. Or maybe it’s the coffee. Whichever it is, you can tell I’ve been reading Jim Elliott again by the post title.

I don’t spend enough time before the Lord. I’m not a morning person, so I hate waking up that extra 30 or 20 or 15 minutes early. And even when I do, there are many mundane details conspiring to keep me busy. Laundry, dishes, dusting the mantelpiece.

But that’s not the problem–the problem is that I’m not delighting in my Lord. I have no problem finding enough time to spend with my husband–we’re practically joined at the hip all the time we’re not working! Because I love him. But my Lord? I say I love Him…and I do…but somehow, our time together isn’t what it used to be. I’ve become distracted by life.

Now, is Project Runway/reading/quilting/cleaning/photography a bad thing? No, none of them are. But I’ve allowed those things to become more important than my time with He Who loved me and gave Himself for me. And that’s wrong. I don’t want that. I want to desire Him as I once did, with every part of me. I delighted in spending time in His Word. And now….I don’t. It doesn’t matter why or when this changed, what matters is that it has.

It’s humbling even to type these things. It’s terrifying to write all this out, because it can (and possibly will, at some point) be used against me. I know that people from the church read this. I know that my family reads this, and I know that perfect strangers read this. I’m tempted to try to continue my facade of being a “strong Christian.” But that would go against everything I believe, because Christianity is not about appearances. It’s about a relationship. And I want the relationship I once had with my Master.

And if making a public statement that I’m not where I need to be–used to be–is what is required to get things back on track, then that’s what I’m going to do.

Father, purify my heart, that I desire only you.

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~ by wildeyedwonder on August 11, 2006.

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