Most of the time you don’t think about it; you just live. But then something happens that reminds you how life isn’t whole. And then you have to pause, and catch your breath, and wonder just what happened. Was there a moment that could have been different, could have changed the course of lives?
To address my invitations, I borrowed the family rolodex, an ancient piece that we’ve had since I was five, I think. Flipping through reminds me of the rings of a tree–you can see the aging of our family. But when I tried to find the addresses for my mom’s brothers, they were gone. She’d taken them, as well as any of her nieces and nephews that were there. All gone. I guess she figured that they were her relatives, and she couldn’t picture any of us kids wanting to contact them?
It’s strange, the things you miss when two lives are twisted apart. She took the table and chairs, the plates, the cloth napkins. She took our nightstand, grandmother’s chest, the gold-framed mirror. But what do I miss? I miss the pictures. The hundreds and hundreds of snapshots taken as we grew up are piled in a box, buried under other stuff. And I guess what I miss is the innocence represented in those pictures, because back then I still believed that life was, at heart, a happy thing.
But it’s not.


~ by wildeyedwonder on July 13, 2005.

7 Responses to “fragmented”

  1. Yeah…no kidding. I think I’ll crank up some Andrew Peterson over here. And sniffle silently. Thanks for reminding me.

  2. sigh.

    how about a moment of silence for our sad childhoods?

  3. It’s become politically unpopular to admit just how badly divorce affects the children. But it’s true just the same. As you all well know. I’m sorry you all have gone through all of that.

    My wedding had its’ share of problems because My Wife’s parents are divorced. To this day we catch flack over the problems it caused for us, as if it were our fault.

    You said over on QOS’s latest post that you are the younger sister of SkinnyLikeATwig? So there are 4 of you sisters and then a younger brother? Did I understand that right?

  4. Nude Child. Yes. That is correct. See comment on QOS.

  5. 4 VDOPorkchop Joyettes?!!! Good gravy!

  6. I would say you should focus on the joy in the reason you were looking for those names in the rolodex in the first place. And as important as pictures are, no one can take away your memory, especially of things like the way something or someone looked or smelled or felt like. I don’t know your family history, but I’d venture to say that your thoughts expressed here are the same canvas that’ll allow you to paint a better picture for your kids and your future. Chin up, porkchop. My dad’s parents went through an ugly divorce when he was 14 and he has always told us that “you can choose to be a victim or you can refuse to be a victim of your circumstances”, he says he chose to make his married life as opposite as he could from his parents, refusing to use a broken childhood as an excuse to give up easily- and thus my childhood, though highly imperfect was always filled with love and the security that my parents would always be together; and they just celebrated thirty years.

  7. ” The right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness” enshrined in our constitution. I think you had a happy childhood because you had a good mother, nurturing, loving and caring. That is a precious gift, that I hope you pass on, am sure you will.

    DIVORCE . . . synonomous with failure, pain, defeat, hurt, brokeness. Cannot be a deacon, forever wearing the scarlet “D”. Yes it is true, every body looses in a divorce, there are no winners, there are no problems fixed, it creates problems and is not a solution, for anything.
    Abraham Lincoln, Robert E Lee, both Character giants, on opposite sides of a divorce, they never initiated but doomed to participate, their roles were non optional. And our of their pain in adversity grew their greatness. And so you too, now have empathy, understanding for others hurting, children of divorce.
    Now porkchop, don’t know why her childhood was sad, she always seemed real perky.

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