it’s the fear that His love is no better than mine

I’ve been thinking lately, about a lot of things. About settling, about being true to yourself, true to your voice. I’ve been thinking about competition, about what really matters. I’ve been thinking about being a leader and a role model. I’ve been thinking about respect and what it takes to earn it. I’ve been thinking about friendships and sisters, brothers and half-brothers, family pictures and smashed up dreams.
I’ve not come to any conclusions, really, but this one thing I know for sure: I’m where God wants me to be, pursuing the path that He has directed. And while others may not agree, may think I’m settling, may think I’m wasting my (much-vaunted, higly overrated) talents or brains or whatever, it doesn’t matter. Because I’m seeking to be approved unto Him, and Him alone.
If that sounds conceited, trust me–it isn’t my intention. I would much rather please people than buck the system. I’m a total pushover, and hate it when anyone disapproves of me–even people I hate. And people I love? Well, that hurts. A lot.
But at the end of my life, I don’t answer to people; i answer to God. Will I be able to stand unashamed of all I’ve done? No. I’ve sinned–many, many times. I continue to sin, continue to shock myself with the depths of my depravity. But at the same time, God continues to shock me with the consistency of His love, with the intimacy of His direction for my live.
He loves me. Me, the one who gets angry when her plans are rearranged, who resents it when her clothes are borrowed withou permission. I’m loved by One Who’s entire life goal was to die in my place, and Who hung naked on a tree for me. Me, the person who has never known real hunger, but get cranky when I miss a meal. He, who became broken bread in my place, loves me.
And in the end of it all, what I do, or what I don’t do, matter little. The question will be–did I know Him. Did I know Him? Not what rules I followed, not what church I attended, not what ministries I led–but did I know Him.
And that’s what I desire, above all else–to know Him, and to make Him known.
I want my family to be proud of me–of course I do! I want my friends to like me, I want to “have an impact.” Who doesn’t? But none of that can be my drive, my goal, my motivation. My question must be: do I know Him?

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~ by wildeyedwonder on July 10, 2005.

3 Responses to “it’s the fear that His love is no better than mine”

  1. Princess, you are wise way beyond your years. If others took this stance.. ah, what a world we would have!

  2. I am impressed to see this perspective again, Laura. Don’t give it up for anything.

  3. The real question is not whether or not you know Him. Obviously you are trying to live a life pleasing to Him. The real art, in my humble opinion, is finding a way to lead others to love Him by the example of your love.

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